July 3, 2011
Day 03 Something I have to forgive myself for:
Lots of thought on this one, the list could be quite long.
It’s because I need to think is it about me or them.
A lot of what I want to forgive myself for is for not being good enough.
But I realize I am good enough.
I was good enough…it’s about them.
It’s about them when
- Someone has an affair, lusts for others
- Someone decides they don’t like how I look anymore.
- Someone doesn’t like how I walk, talk,laugh, dress, etc etc
I guess what I need to forgive myself for is for letting others tell me who I am…what I thought, was to say, how to act, who to like.
What I need to forgive myself for is trying to be who I wasn’t … be who my parents, husband thought I should be. I need to forgive myself
for being unauthentic.
There was the moment, I can remember it well, when I realized that I would have to ask someone for their opinion if someone else asked me
what the weather was like outside.
And I can remember realizing I was really two people. Confident and in control at work. Weak and submissive at home and especially with my
parents and their siblings, certain ones especially. Why I sucked into thinking I could not be independent as an adult was that there was always the
fear that my parents, family would “fire” me for insubordination.
And it happened.
A few days before my daughter’s July 3,2000 wedding, my mother called and told me in no uncertain terms that I was to tell my daughter
that she could not marry the person because of my mother’s feelings about him. I told her there was no way i could tell a 29 year old woman who
she could or could not marry, even if I agreed he was not a suitable mate for her. I didn’t…he had all the qualities that one would want in a son-in-law.
- Well built (worked out and kept in shape as a merchant marine officer), dark and handsome (being Liberian, that was easy).
- Potential for very good income as a merchant marine officer.
- Liked the fine things in life…nice home, furnishings, dressed very nicely…and liked fine jewelry.
- Had good manners…polite. Family values.
- They were in love. And he like the two girls.
So I told her I couldn’t do it…wouldn’t do it. And that was the end of our relationship til the day my mother died.