An Artist, Photographer, Writer, Poet

Monthly Archives: February 2018

What They Wanted Me to Be

When I was a young girl
it was clear to me
that there was a role for me
to be in the family.
It involved beauty and grace.
The right husband, house and children.
The family rules were to be obeyed.
Do not rebel,
Do not make waves,
Do not embarrass the family…
meaning the extended family.
What a child, young or adult did
reflected on the parents,
and the entire extended family
would hold the parents accountable.
The right husband meant that he had
to meet the requirements of a high paying job,
and in the new world,
my generation,
the highest of education degrees
with a grade point average to be  with honors.
Some jobs were not acceptable,
high enough on the social scale….
in other words,
no bragging rights came with some jobs.
The husband needed to be good looking,
nice build, not over weight or look sloppy.
A pleasant personality, at least in public,
with family and family friends.
A wife was expected to keep her husband happy,
if there was a problem,
it “is always the wife’s fault.” It is her problem if she
and her husband have difficulties,
and divorce was not an option,
unless it was because the husband didn’t have
high enough standards that weren’t seen during
the courtship and couldn’t be corrected in marriage.
They wanted me to be someone I wasn’t.
“There is always a husband to take care of a woman”
I was told by my mother in front of someone
whose husband had died.
A woman should not work,
especially at a job like mine…
an RN, will a calling to care for the aging,
confused and bewildered.
No matter that I called the shots
and standards were exceptional.
And my divorce was unacceptable,
embarrassing and “the first”.
They wanted me to be slim,
my children to excel in what mattered to them.
They wanted me to be
something that I tried to be be,
and failed, in everyone’s eyes
for I could not be molded or kept
under control.
I’ve come to accept they wanted me to be
what they only knew from their experience
in life examples and teachings.

August 9, 2011 Written 7 yaars ago and never posted

Saturday Centus: “…I’m not getting any younger…”
July 17, 2011
The hair is gray,

eyes see true..

cataracts are gone !

Mental pauses,

names escape me,

two canes,

a walker with a seat,

my wheelchair goes everywhere..

.“…I’m not getting any younger…”

Update for February 2018
Time flies
body changes or not…
still amazed with the vision
cataract surgery can give
No more curls
and sprinkled more with gray.
Looking more like my grandmother
looking back at me.
Walking not as nimble
unless wit “speed wagon”
my walker.
Ice and snow frighten me
two walking sticks the rule
if going out the door
in winter
The Senior Center across the street
hand dandy for exercise and meals.
Writing group still meets,
tho most of the names have changed.
Death stalked us last year
and threw me for a loop.
New crosswalk light
convenient for me…
right at the end of my path
easy to get where I am going
as long as I watch to see
the traffic sees the light.
Mental pauses
still the same …
now see the humor since
this is now the “real me”
and others either don’t remember
the “old me
I’ve been this way since
I met them.

re-post from July 16, 2011

Sunny/Maine/way life should be
Always a delight to have a perfect Maine Day
just the way the tourist bureau advertises.
Nothing can compare to a Perfect Maine Day:
sunny, not too hot, not too cold. Just right.
A Goldilocks day.

Re-post: from 2011, What I Can’t Live Without:
My dishwasher.
My dishwasher used to be me.

Then one year, for my birthday,

long, long ago, I wanted a vacuum cleaner.

A nice one.

So, what was I given?

An electric dishwasher.

I never really appreciated it until one day,

it stopped working.

For a while,

I decided to wash my own dishes,

but they never seemed squeeky clean anymore.

So I called the handy dandy repairman,

and for a cheap part and a more expensive service call,

I was back washing my dishes “clean” again.


Dishwasher it is.

Shallow as it is.

It is what it is. Needed.
in an emergency,
I DO love a man with dishpan hands !

Something You Never Get Compliments On.
re-post from July 13, 2011
For good reason, cooking.
I went on strike the summer of 1978.
The kids didn’t eat anything I made…
even if they requested it.
I was tired of having to eat the same left overs for two or three days
because they decided to eat at a friends house,
snacked too much
or took an “afternoon nap” like a zombie til the next day
I think it was three days of something I’d gotten so tired of,
that I told them,
I’d buy the food if they told me what they wanted….
they’d have to learn how to cook it for themselves.
It was during this time I met hubby number 2
and told him he was invited to supper,
but if he stayed,
he’d have to cook it himself !
It turns out,
that H#2 learned he liked to cook…
and was/is good at it…
at first there was enough for a small army,
but soon, after we married
and had a budget,
he learned to cook in exact proportions
for what ever number of servings he wanted to make.
That was 1979.
We were divorced in 2003.
Now I am by myself,
and no one calls to ask how to make something
…they call HIM, hubby # 2.
My daughter does not remember when I could cook !
She once called up and asked to speak to her dad,
and I heard “400 degrees, one hour”.
I got back on the phone
and asked why she didn’t ask me the temp and time for the meal,
and she said “you don’t know how to cook ! “
Even if I cook a good meal…it’s considered a fluke.
So therefore, I never get compliments on cooking.
photo from China Hill … much preferred than my cooking
by the family 🙂 … unless it is Jordan’s Snack Bar !

re-post 2011 Someone You Need To Let Go, or Wish You Didn’t Know
I’ve thought and thought about this…
and I wish I didn’t know people who seem to be evil…or
seem to take pleasure in the destruction of others lives to the
point of bragging about it.
I’ve met a few,
been “target” of a few,
had the strength to not let them into my soul,
but affected by their presence in my life
for a long time after I shut them out of my life.
Once, even a month was like an eternity knowing them.

July 9, 2011 re-post
Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Friends from nursing school.
It takes work to maintain friendships
and when I was sick or depressed
I didn’t take the effort to keep up with them as they moved.
A shame.
And the military friendships, especially Kathy.
We moved with our husband’s
as they got orders to far away (from each other…Kathy and myself).
We wandered Puerto Rico,
who would think two small cars could put so much mileage
on … about 20,000 miles…
on a small island.
There were multiple trips a day,
returning to our homes on the base
with our groceries, packages,
then going out again.
Minds on the same wave length,
we laughed,
played cards…
with other wives,
as two couples,
shared adventures.
Now I wonder in my heart of hearts,
is she okay,
has her marriage flourished,
her child, maybe children,
grown like mine,
grandchildren maybe.
I think of her often.
Does she remember me?
Does she think of me?
I send a prayer her way
as I write this…
for health and happiness,
Peace and Love