An Artist, Photographer, Writer, Poet

Tag Archives: grief

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© Sigrid Saradunn 2013

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I am not familiar with Leonard Cohen that I know of.  All my life I have had trouble with my hearing.  Discerning words to songs has been nearly impossible. I would … before the computer…search out copies of the lyrics to songs that I found the music haunting me or I found myself… in discord ☺… humming the music endlessly.  

Thanks to a ten dollar amplifier for my computer, (an “as seen on tv amplifier Emoji) I was able to play, and hear the u-tube versions

of Leonard Cohen (awesome…I want to find out more about his writing and music), kd lang … a favorite of mine, and Jeff Buckley,RIP who would have had the 3rd place of those I enjoyed the most.

The following is what I wrote while listening to the song in it’s various renditions.

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Halleujah ! Hallejuhah !

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In joy, peace or grief,

invigorating or haunting

soulful and rejoicing

as  Hallelujah !, Hallelujah !  

is sung

from

deep

within.

Eyes shining,

souls

on

fire.

.

Tonight my spirit

stirred

in

another

place.

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Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

(deep sighs,

no

exclamation points)

no

raising of arms

no

praising the Lord

haunting

sad

deep sighs

come

from

within

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Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

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Hallelujah

a new meaning

feels my soul.

of

grief,

sadness,

ripped,

torn,

heart

and

soul.

.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah .

sadness

and grief.

our greatest

losses..

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Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

from

the

depths

.

no

raising of arms

no

praising the Lord

haunting

sad

deep sighs

come

from

within

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You are among toads

“Think as I think,” said a man,
“or you are abominably wicked;
you are a toad.”
And after I thought of it,
I said, “I will, then, be a toad.”
~ Stephen Crane
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© Sigrid Saradunn 2011….“Eclipse of the Wooden Eye Moon” January 4, 2011

Bianca, acrylic on canvas 12″ x 12 “

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Bianca Oreo 2002 to October 19, 2013

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© Sigrid Saradunn 2013…

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Bianca after loosing about 8 pounds…

(hard to believe looking at the photo!

She eventually was a little over 6 pounds….)

For the last two weeks,

she suddenly developed a taste for

“people food”

…chicken and pork chops

which of course,

I, Hard Hearted Hannah ☺

cooked for her.

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© Sigrid Saradunn 2013  Bianca October 6, 2013. 

On this day, a  petite ten pounds (peak was 18 +)

and still giving me her “best view”…

I would get this view more than any other…☺.

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Bianca was so miserable this morning,

made an appt. with the Vet. 

So at approx. 12:40 pm

she crossed the rainbow bridge.

She looked at peace… I didn’t use a carrier,

she stayed quiet to the vets

and never struggled

from the time I left the house

to the end. 

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Bianca came into my life

February 29, 2008,

at about 6.5 years of age.

when I took my youngest

grand-daughter to the local

shelter to play with the kittens.

My daughter and the two

girls thought I’d be lonely

and decided I needed a cat.

Bianca was stationed

at the door…she’d been

returned 3 or 4 times because

she didn’t like other cats,

kittens, dogs, children,

…people in general. 

But she DID like my

x hubby #2

(I can’t remember HOW

HE got to be involved

that day, but he did)

and that is how

she came to leave with

me when the other cats

weren’t suitable.

(came in pairs, or weren’t

house broken)

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She taught me a lot

about animals and pets…

and people.

Bianca was extremely

smart and besides that…

a good mouser.

No matter how sick she felt,

if there was a mouse

to catch,

she was into duty mode…

and would stalk it til

it was mission accomplished.

I haven’t had many pets,

none as a child,

and never attended the death

of any of them.

My Cocker Spaniel

was my death of a pet

and I had a long term

unresolved grief response

to that loss.

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I do, for now, intend to keep

her photo as my icon

and will continue to write

about her as things remind

me of her.

My friends tell me that when

the time is right,

a new cat will appear,

needing a home,

and my home,

hoping it is a good mouser

will welcome it …

mouser or not !

Thank you all for your support…

without you knowing,

your posts on all the various prompts

have helped me thru this difficult

time of hospice care for

Bianca. 

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Peace and love,

Siggi

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This time, FBF is about loss.
Any loss you can think of is fair game,
but I do ask you to be serious.
I’m looking for the kind of loss
that breaks your heart,
so no jokey light-hearted poems
about lost keys, please.

P
lease write a NEW poem
written specifically for this challenge. 
Any form is fine except haiku,
and free verse is cool, too.
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96 HOURS

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I try to imagine
almost 16 years
to the day,*
what it would be like
to lay for 96 hours
with no one knowing
you are hurt,
no one checking
to see how you are.

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The system of checking
on her had broken
down.  My mother
had fallen down a set
of stairs in her split level
house where she lived
alone.
When someone realized
that my mother
hadn’t been heard from
for a few days…
she was found.

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The odds she would
survive were slim,
but she did.
I can’t remember
when I mentioned,
after thinking how
terrible it must
have been to lay there,
and think…
about ???

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I can’t remember
when I told her that
I often thought how
terrible
it must have been
to lay there not knowing
what the outcome
would be.

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My mother told me
that she did not have
a belief in an afterlife…
she did not believe
in heaven or hell.
Just a darkness.
She had discussed it
with a friend who had
had a stroke.
They decided that
death was just darkness.
Nothing afterwards.
She ended the conversation
decisively.
.
We never discussed
that her fall,  religion
or death again…
Then in October 2005
her favorite brother, Bill,
died suddenly.
For her,
an unbearable loss.

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Three days later,
my mother died,
sitting in her  chair,
waiting for my brother
to visit for the day.
She’d had a shower,
her hair done,
dressed to her liking.
Things important to her, **
She died prepared to go.

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It is thought that
she died from grief.
The loss of her brother
was too much
for her to bear.

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Her brother had died.
She’d been angry
when told he died.
He was younger,
she expected him
to out live her.

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I wonder.
In those 96 hours
in 1997
she decided
death was darkness.
No afterlife.

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I don’t know the hour
her  brother died.

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I know that she died
less than 96 hours
after Bill died.
Did she see
light in place of
darkness ?

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It makes me wonder
if in less than 96 hours
did she change
her mind about
death being darkness
when she decided
to join him.

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………………………………………………………
*   My mother fell in June 9, 1997.
Today as I write, it is 29 June 2013
** My mother would not go anywhere spur of the moment.

She needed to have a shower, wash, set and dry her hair,
and find an appropriate outfit.
Not for a ride in the car, to the store, anywhere.
My father would get exasperated and say,
“Mary Louise, you are going to need advance notice before
you die so you can have your shower, hair fixed, and dressed
before you die” (paraphrased)

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imaginary garden with real toads

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